He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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