bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
