You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
