WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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