Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
