it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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