i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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