I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
