the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
