yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
