I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
