My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize