Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
