my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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