there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
