Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
