I need to stop coming to work sober
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
