I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
