Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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