My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
