Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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