so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
