My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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