No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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