Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
