i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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