The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
