Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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