I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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