My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
