I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
