I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
