I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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