Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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