He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
