Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
