i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We left an ass print on the piano.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize