I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My pussy is not your playground.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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