I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
