Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
