Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
