I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
