Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
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