one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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