I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
