I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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