When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
