Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
