the day after is always just damage control
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
