I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
