dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
