I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
