who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Shame - the story of my life.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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